Blast from the past

Something happened tonight.. something I didn't expect.. I thought it was a dream, I thought I saw a ghost.. But it was real alright, it happened, and now I can't stop thinking about it..

I ran into him tonight, after all this time.. I thought he had left, but he hadn't.. he was still here..

When our eyes met, that flitting moment felt like eternity; everything seemed to stand still - time stopped, the world stopped, my heart stopped; and nothing else seemed to matter except for his gentle smile, modest nod and trademark wave, acknowledging our encounter. I was too shocked to react, too stunned to even think; but still managed to smile politely in return - how I accomplished that I'll never know!

Moments passed as he walked by, and I began to regain sensation in my body. And that's when it hit me, like a bullet train - I felt my heart pounding furiously in my chest, as my head began to reel and I felt the world started spinning beneath my very feet.. I was suddenly flooded with memories, with feelings; flashbacks from moments in our past. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think - all I could do was feel.. feel the overpowering storm of emotions - a mixture of surprise, anticipation and hope, combined with 4 years worth of pain, rejection, grief, longing and desperation... It was all too much to swallow..

And it all happened because of that one moment.. a moment that I had been dreaming and yearning for over the past 4 years.. a moment that has played out in my mind over a million times.. a moment I thought would give me great happiness and relief.. a moment I desperately want to hang on to.. a moment that has never happened until now.

I didn't expect to feel this way.. I felt like I was trapped in a whirling tornado, felt the world crumbling around me as I stood there, watching the bus drive away.. I thought I had gotten over it, had left all these woes behind me, that I had moved on with my life.. I thought I had succeeded in forgetting.

I was wrong.. As I walked away, I felt him.. I could hear his kind words, his joyful laughter; I could remember sensing his grief and pain, his insecurities and frustrations; I remember sharing in his hopes and dreams, rejoicing in his happiness .. I recalled how it felt to be leaning against my pillar of strength in times of need.. I could feel his tender touch and his warm embrace.. I reminisced in how he filled the loneliness in my life and the emptiness in my heart.

People say to be careful for what you wish for, and today, never then before, I realised how true that is.. And yet, I continue wishing - I wished I never saw him, I wished he never saw me.. I wished I could keep on believing that I was forgotten, not forsaken.. I wished I never met him, I wished I could forget him.. I wish he would return to me and that he could stay.. I wish this loneliness will melt away, and this hopelessness will disappear, this yearning will be fulfilled and this desperation to finally cease.. I wish I could be put out of this misery and anguish.. But most of all, I wish I could finally move on..

You can never have what you want.. that's how cruel life can be sometimes. Perhaps now I understand what Julian Cheung was singing when he sang, "When you can't love someone, you will long to love them even more.."