It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all..
Is it, really?
Somehow, this is one of the famous 'quotes' that have never seemed to fail to get me wondering..
We've all, at some point or another, experienced love.. that unmistakable warm, fuzzy feeling in your chest, coupled with pleasant thoughts and kind words - all which contribute to a general feeling of well-being. Unfortunately, love is almost inevitably accompanied by loss, like it or not.
I have never been one to cope well with the very notion of loss. I've always felt that it was unfair how almost everything happy that we experience, can so easily be taken away from us and ripped out from our vulnerable hearts. To me, loss is such a horrible emotion to experience that I've always wondered if it was even worth loving to begin with, since that means we have to undeniably experience the loss that comes with love. I mean, if we simply didn't love, we simply wouldn't have to endure losses now would we? It was a very easy and sure way to guarantee that we would never have to suffer this god-awful emotion.
I attribute this lack of courage to experience loss to my teenage life. (It's a long story, but I'll try to keep it short..) I suffered quite a horrible high-school life as a teenager. When I reached Form 1, I somehow had managed to procure an image of a rebellious, incredibly sarcastic, intimidating but tough and thick-skinned teenager. Ok, so I won't go to the extent of saying that someone falsely labelled me that (meaning I really was most of these things), but still, that meant that I was constantly being treated horribly, for lack of a better term, by my peers. I could deal with the girls, mainly cos' there weren't too many of them, but I was continually attacked (verbally, of course) by the boys. Most of them hated my guts and viewed me as a threat to their masculinity, but others just couldn't stand my sharp-tongue and incredible wit. (haha.. I'm not that witty, but hey, it's my story!)
Anyway, this meant that I didn't have such an enjoyable school-life. As tough as I appeared to be on the outside, I was crumbling on the inside. Crumbled, on the inside. It was awful to be a 14 year old and already have a reputation of being notoriously bitchy and fearful. It was a great sense of power, alright, but that also meant that I felt completely and utterly alone and unloved. This sent my self-confidence plummeting, but as I could not reveal this weakness, I put on an even tougher exterior and fought back harder. 'twas a vicious cycle, and the more I fought, the more desolate I became.
It came to a point that I felt that I had nothing to offer my 'friends'. That no sane person would want to befriend me because I was such a lousy person with nothing to give. I felt that I couldn't be loved.
This all changed when I met a good friend of mine, BH.. He was much older than me and saw through my facade and the little games we were playing. He befriended me and stood by me through it all. He became my pillar of strength, the very person I ran to whenever I needed comfort and advice, and the only person I thought who truly cared about me. I began making more friends outside school, mostly older than me, and began to see that I could be loved after all, just not by immature morons in school. My new friends taught me so much about the difficulties of growing up and how to learn to overcome them. (Of course, this meant a lot of character development and improvement on my part too..) Most of all, they taught me that I was really as strong as people thought I was, and that I was truly as 'powerful' as I wanted to be.
I survived my high school life thanks to BH and my group of friends.. my high school peers didn't change, even until we left school, and I had given up all hope that these guys would change the way they treated me. In fact, sad to say, until today, I face the same problems with my peers, correction, Malaysian guy peers (does that make sense?)- most of them taking me for granted, as though I have skin as thick as a rhinoceros' hide, and that I have no feelings to be taken care of. Thankfully, I'm now equipped with the skills to deal with this and can shrug off most of the attempts to belittle and disable me. Anyway, that's not the point of this story.
The point is, from the moment BH appeared in my life, I've had many other close friends who have entered my life and 'rescued' me.. They have all been there for me when I needed them the most and have all loved me almost, unconditionally with all their hearts. These were the very people who stood by me when I needed them the most and helped me through all of it. They made me recognize that I could do it, all on my own. Til' today, I cannot thank them enough, as they have no idea what they have truly done for me.. how much they helped me..
Today, none of them are physically here with me. Just to name a few, BH is in Malaysia, building his life (which I am so happy for him since it's obvious he's succeeding really well), KC's in Australia, building his life with his new fiancee (also very happy for him, he deserves nothing but the best), TS is in Malaysia, (surprise surprise) also building his life and new career. I am so sincerely happy for them and what they've achieved, and I'm truly rejoicing in their successes.
However, I'm plagued by the memories of our times together, and how I truly miss their presence in my life. We all still keep in touch, and still talk/hang out/etc when we need to, but I'm sad to say that I am no longer a true part of their lives, simply because of the distance. Thankfully I know that they will always be there for me when I need them, my pillars of strength, my columns of courage, my protectors, guardians and the very guides of my life.
Which brings me back to the original topic of discussion.. I love these people with all of my might, and cannot imagine my life without them. Or imagine how my life would have been without them. But sometimes, the ache I feel deep in my heart is so strong that I wonder, if I didn't love so fiercely, maybe I wouldn't hurt so badly..
If I never knew how it felt to love them as I do, maybe I would never know how it feels to have lost them as I have..
Somehow, this is one of the famous 'quotes' that have never seemed to fail to get me wondering..
We've all, at some point or another, experienced love.. that unmistakable warm, fuzzy feeling in your chest, coupled with pleasant thoughts and kind words - all which contribute to a general feeling of well-being. Unfortunately, love is almost inevitably accompanied by loss, like it or not.
I have never been one to cope well with the very notion of loss. I've always felt that it was unfair how almost everything happy that we experience, can so easily be taken away from us and ripped out from our vulnerable hearts. To me, loss is such a horrible emotion to experience that I've always wondered if it was even worth loving to begin with, since that means we have to undeniably experience the loss that comes with love. I mean, if we simply didn't love, we simply wouldn't have to endure losses now would we? It was a very easy and sure way to guarantee that we would never have to suffer this god-awful emotion.
I attribute this lack of courage to experience loss to my teenage life. (It's a long story, but I'll try to keep it short..) I suffered quite a horrible high-school life as a teenager. When I reached Form 1, I somehow had managed to procure an image of a rebellious, incredibly sarcastic, intimidating but tough and thick-skinned teenager. Ok, so I won't go to the extent of saying that someone falsely labelled me that (meaning I really was most of these things), but still, that meant that I was constantly being treated horribly, for lack of a better term, by my peers. I could deal with the girls, mainly cos' there weren't too many of them, but I was continually attacked (verbally, of course) by the boys. Most of them hated my guts and viewed me as a threat to their masculinity, but others just couldn't stand my sharp-tongue and incredible wit. (haha.. I'm not that witty, but hey, it's my story!)
Anyway, this meant that I didn't have such an enjoyable school-life. As tough as I appeared to be on the outside, I was crumbling on the inside. Crumbled, on the inside. It was awful to be a 14 year old and already have a reputation of being notoriously bitchy and fearful. It was a great sense of power, alright, but that also meant that I felt completely and utterly alone and unloved. This sent my self-confidence plummeting, but as I could not reveal this weakness, I put on an even tougher exterior and fought back harder. 'twas a vicious cycle, and the more I fought, the more desolate I became.
It came to a point that I felt that I had nothing to offer my 'friends'. That no sane person would want to befriend me because I was such a lousy person with nothing to give. I felt that I couldn't be loved.
This all changed when I met a good friend of mine, BH.. He was much older than me and saw through my facade and the little games we were playing. He befriended me and stood by me through it all. He became my pillar of strength, the very person I ran to whenever I needed comfort and advice, and the only person I thought who truly cared about me. I began making more friends outside school, mostly older than me, and began to see that I could be loved after all, just not by immature morons in school. My new friends taught me so much about the difficulties of growing up and how to learn to overcome them. (Of course, this meant a lot of character development and improvement on my part too..) Most of all, they taught me that I was really as strong as people thought I was, and that I was truly as 'powerful' as I wanted to be.
I survived my high school life thanks to BH and my group of friends.. my high school peers didn't change, even until we left school, and I had given up all hope that these guys would change the way they treated me. In fact, sad to say, until today, I face the same problems with my peers, correction, Malaysian guy peers (does that make sense?)- most of them taking me for granted, as though I have skin as thick as a rhinoceros' hide, and that I have no feelings to be taken care of. Thankfully, I'm now equipped with the skills to deal with this and can shrug off most of the attempts to belittle and disable me. Anyway, that's not the point of this story.
The point is, from the moment BH appeared in my life, I've had many other close friends who have entered my life and 'rescued' me.. They have all been there for me when I needed them the most and have all loved me almost, unconditionally with all their hearts. These were the very people who stood by me when I needed them the most and helped me through all of it. They made me recognize that I could do it, all on my own. Til' today, I cannot thank them enough, as they have no idea what they have truly done for me.. how much they helped me..
Today, none of them are physically here with me. Just to name a few, BH is in Malaysia, building his life (which I am so happy for him since it's obvious he's succeeding really well), KC's in Australia, building his life with his new fiancee (also very happy for him, he deserves nothing but the best), TS is in Malaysia, (surprise surprise) also building his life and new career. I am so sincerely happy for them and what they've achieved, and I'm truly rejoicing in their successes.
However, I'm plagued by the memories of our times together, and how I truly miss their presence in my life. We all still keep in touch, and still talk/hang out/etc when we need to, but I'm sad to say that I am no longer a true part of their lives, simply because of the distance. Thankfully I know that they will always be there for me when I need them, my pillars of strength, my columns of courage, my protectors, guardians and the very guides of my life.
Which brings me back to the original topic of discussion.. I love these people with all of my might, and cannot imagine my life without them. Or imagine how my life would have been without them. But sometimes, the ache I feel deep in my heart is so strong that I wonder, if I didn't love so fiercely, maybe I wouldn't hurt so badly..
If I never knew how it felt to love them as I do, maybe I would never know how it feels to have lost them as I have..
posted by Jean at 12:52 AM
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