Leaving on a jetplane

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go.. :) It's the first day of my Easter break (woohoo!) and I'm leaving for Manchester, WS's place. Spending a few nights there before I leave (incidentally, on a jetplane) for Paris, the romance capital of the world!!! (Yes, yes, cliche as it is, I'm going with WS..)

To be frank, I'm not entirely excited.. for whatever reason, I do not know. Maybe it's because I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high just in case Paris turns out to be a disaster.. (ok ok, not really a disaster, but just not as great as I've heard) Maybe it's because I don't really know what to expect apart from the usual touristy stuff like Eiffel Tower and all that kinda stuff. Or maybe it's just because I'm bored.. Bored with school, bored with work, bored with home, bored with life.

Without trying to sound overdramatic, I still find that I lack the motivation in life and that's really a bad thing. You see, I've always done things (in life) bursting with enthusiasm and full of life. With this newfound lack of motivation, everything seems to be rather pointless and I can't seem to enjoy whatever I do...

Good news is, these 2 weeks have sorta given me a little push upwards. I'm enjoying myself in hospitals (ok, that didn't come out right) and I actually feel like I'm learning something. So I guess I'll just have to persevere and push on and try to win my zest for life back.. and from the way the past 2 weeks have been, I don't think it's going to be too hard. I just need to do it.. I just need to live..

So hopefully this little holiday trip will turn out alright and put me in better spirits. If it does, I promise that I will try my best to regain the confidence that I've lost and do better in everything I do. I'll try to study harder, work harder and overall, just try my f**king best!

So Paris, I'm counting on you!!!

Days gone by

Ok, so my last entry was a tad bit dramatic... What can I say? I've got a thing for daffodils, haha.. Nah, just kidding.. Truth is, daffodils have a very special place in my heart because they hold very fond memories for me..

In my first year in the UK, I had the fortune of befriending a great group of friends in my hall at university. Regrettably, we don't really keep in touch anymore, mostly because most of them have graduated and have kinda drifted apart. Anyhow, I had a fantabulastic 1st year at university and I owe most of it to this group of friends (guys mainly, of course! ;) ). Let's see...

There was Phil, who was one of the nicest people that I've ever known.. He's nice to everybody and I have never ever heard him speak ill of anyone (or anything for that matter). He was reallly nice in my 2nd year too as he constantly invited me to his house for dinner... Bless! Next, there was my next door neighbour Tom , big, burly and from Liverpool, he always seemed to be in a jovial mood and would laugh a lot. He would just laugh constantly. And it was particularly worse when he was drunk. (Obviously!) Oh, and he has this crazy thing for 50's music. It was really weird and no one in the block liked his music! Oh yeah, and he was known to take long long baths and showers which happened to set off the fire alarm on a number of occasions. Ben was my other neighbour, who seemed to enjoy walking around the block in just his towel or boxers. Wasn't too bad for me, cos' he was a rower and had quite a smokin' body! heehee..

(DC, HP, J, DZ were the girls that I hanged out with.. we went clubbing a lot and had loads of fun but we still keep in touch so they're not part of the main story here..)

Richie, who was the second-closest friend I had in my block, and he was absolutely nuts about football and would made me sit in his room watching reruns of Nottingham Forest football matches. (I used to be so... bored!) He was also an incredibly sweet and sincere guy and a very good friend. He's not the kind of guy that could chit-chat with you or talk to you when you're down, but you could definitely be sure that he'll try to make you feel better by hanging out with you and talk about football. I do kinda miss that guy..

Last but not least, Graham.. he was definitely the closest friend I had when I came to the UK and you have no idea how much I miss him.. we really hit it off from the start, mainly because we have so many common interests! We both loved music, loved to go clubbing, loved music and just basically, we got along so well! I mean, we used to hang out all the time! He was really sweet too.. Everytime he came back from work, he'd save a Subway cookie for me cos' he knew that I loved it. :) I don't know if it was just me but I certainly felt that we had a really strong connection - the chemistry was so intense!

But more importantly, he was an incredible friend. He was always, always there for me when I was down.. (and down I was a lot, mind you!) He'd always listen to what I had to say, then say the right thing to make me feel better. He seemed to really care about me, and that was really great. He knew me so well too.. in such a short time we knew each other, he got me all figured out and was really proud of it as well! I was a good friend to him too.. well, I hope.. but we definitely got along really well - so well, that we used to fight and yell at each other (a bit too much, I have to admit). That wasn't ever nice but it did make me appreciate how close we had gotten..

Sad thing is, now, we don't talk to each other anymore, don't call nor text nor email nor anything.. Not really my choice, to be honest. Ah well.. you can only try so hard before you realise that it's just not going to change anything. Sighh.. I get sad everytime I think about this but as time goes by, I'm learning to accept it..

Anyhow,I digress. The story goes something like this: on one lovely spring night in my first year, we were walking back together (him, me, DC and HP) from clubbing at the Works when I saw my very first patch of daffodils. I was so happy and excited to see them and when he saw how delighted I was, he plucked one daffodil out of the patch and gave it to me, just to make me happy. (Ok, so it's not the most ecological-friendly thing to do, but I was completely taken by it!) I tried pressing it and keeping it, but it didn't survive.. :(

I guess that's the reason behind the intense wave of nostalgia that overcame me when I first saw the budding roots of daffodils scattered across the lands. Since I don't see my dear friend or talk to him anymore, all I can cling on to are daffodils, which are the only remnants that serve as a reminder of the many footsteps he left in my life... and heart.

Happier times..

First sign of spring

As I was strolling down the path in campus the other day, surrounded with lush green grass, a bright morning sun and the soft breeze blowing by, I almost shouted out in glee when I saw something incredible... the first sign of spring! It was undeniable! Irrefutable! Undebatable! It was one of the most lovely sights that I have ever seen in a long long time.. (It has been a long, dreary winter.. sighh...)

I rushed over to pet them, to talk to them, to shower them with undying gratitude and although they couldn't say it, I knew that exactly what was on their mind.. Spring is here!!!! I knew that what they really wanted to do was to tell me that they were happy to see me too, that they were overjoyed that there existed people who were truly enthusiastic to see them and that they have thus, fulfilled their life's purpose.

I walked home that day with a huge smile plastered across my face, feeling incredibly uplifted. Suddenly there was hope in our lives.. It was almost as if with that one sign, we know that there will be better days to come. We know that we can actually overcome the harsh cold that winter so surely promises and that we can survive long enough to see the warm glow of the sun. We know that if we can survive that, we can most certainly live through anything that life decides to throw in our faces. We know.. that life continues.

Hope.. such a simple word that brings so much meaning to each and every one of us. What would we be without hope? Where could we go without hope? How can we ever survive if it wasn't for the glimmer of hope that we so desperately cling on to, no matter what we do? What is life without hope, for the homeless ones living on the street, for the weary ones battling cancer in the hospital, for the orphaned ones longing for a new life and most of all, for all of us who just want to live..

Personally, the last few months have not been very encouraging for me and as a result, I have been suffering from a combination of lack of motivation, self-confidence and all that kinds of crap. But seeing this beautiful sign reminded me that no matter what lies ahead, crappy as could be, there is much to look forward to. Living is worth looking forward to, no matter what happens. For that, I thank them. I applaud them for their courage to fight the cold, I look up to them for their valour to defy winter but most of all, I am grateful to them for reminding me of what beautiful things lie ahead.

I'd like to propose a toast....


to daffodils!!!

Springtime last year.. :)

Hospital fun

It has been an incredible week! I've been meaning to publish something insightful, deep and all that kinda crap but I decided that I shall not bother with that and instead will publish something that looks a little like a journal entry. It's my blog so I can do whatever I want!!! :P

This week, we began invading (and hence, have been raiding the hospitals in hordes) the wards. This is the second phase of our medical education, where we are set loose on the wards to practice grilling, prodding and poking (amongst other things) the people. It's part of our development as medical professionals and you know what they say, "Practice makes perfect!"

I was initially, very wary with this new chapter in my life. I was undecided as to whether I was excited about it or not. (Mostly because I was quite terrified. I mean, starting from now, what we do actually matters! What we do in school actually affects other people and we could be directly [well, not exactly 'directly', but let's just say 'directly' to drive my point home, ok?] responsible for someone's well-being!)

Anyhow, in the end, I decided that I didn't want to be too excited simply because that opens up new avenues to be disappointed. (I'm all about expectations and my dear WS has taught me (indirectly, of course) that it's always good to start with low or no expectations. That way, there's only one direction you can go, i.e. up, and so it's gonna be pretty tough for you to be disappointed! Hey, don't deny it but I'm sure many of you out there are like that, right?) So, I marched into my first clinical experience fairly pessimistic and convinced that I wouldn't enjoy it as much as attending (and thus, sleeping in) lectures, as I have done for the past 2 years. (Yeah yeah, no wonder I've got crappy results. Sometimes I wonder whether I am actually intelligent or not in the first place. I mean, I've always believed that I am but now, I'm beginning to have my doubts. Even JW and SY hesitated when I asked them the other day! *gasp* But anyway, that's a story for another day.)

I digress. My point was, I have actually enjoyed myself tremendously this week. Have been extra keen and arranged to watch and attend all sorts of different procedures and even made sure I did research the day before! Talk about being an eager beaver! Haha.. Never thought I'd be this motivated about something that doesn't concern cute guys, but guess I am! (Although I have to admit that the reading-after-seeing-something bit of my studies isn't going too well. Oh well, u can't have it all, can you?)

Ok, that's a teeny lie. I've just made a new friend, who's on my firm and we've been spending a lot of time together this week. He's a really sweet guy - very nice, funny, great company plus he's actually quite hot too! 6 foot 5, 90kg, strong, strapping rugby boy, you get the picture. Oh, and he has the most beautiful pair of eyes that I've ever seen! They're dark brown in colour with very pretty eyelashes that accentuate them even more. But most of all, they're so very deep and intense and just SO dreamy!! Anyhow, we've been going to the lockers together (he's my locker buddy!), attending all the stuff together, organizing extra stuff to go to, looking up patients beforehand, turning up for 8.00am ward rounds and just hanging out. It's really been so great! I admit, initially, I wanted to get 'close' to him because I have this teeny crush on his good friend and housemate. My plan was to inch into their circle and try to get close to my RC. (Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be going well at all since he's dating a slutty blonde first year!! Ok, enough talk about her!) But anyway, after hanging out with this guy, I found that he's actually quite cool and I thoroughly enjoy his company! :) (No, I'm not beginning to like him, I'm loyal to my RC!)

Moreover, I have found that it's definitely beneficial to have a friend who's also a keen bean when it comes to our err, 'work'. I mean, if I'm left on my own to do stuff, I would probably be less inclined to do so due to sheer laziness. With an equally enthusiastic friend, you kinda make sure you both go together and see and do as many things as you can together, so it's really good practice. Plus, keeps the spirit high. So in many ways, I'm thankful that we're both quite keen.

(By the way, AMZ, my housemate's boyfriend, oops, ex-boyfriend, I mean, thinks that this dude is nice to me because of an ulterior motive - i.e. he either wants to get into my pants or he wants to get into my friend's pants. I think that's utterly ridiculous and again, this entry is getting too long so I'll leave it for another day.)

So that's it... my first week in the hospital.. turned out to be quite an experience!